Here in the wilderness, I have been forced to face God and myself. I think that most of us are afraid of this reality, which is why we subliminally keep ourselves so busy.
I don’t like myself. That doesn’t mean that I have a low self-worth. Unfortunately that doesn’t even mean I have a low self-esteem, most of the time.
I esteem myself too highly, when in reality I should be esteeming Christ. The trouble with a high self-esteem is that it leaves no room for God. We swindle ourselves, when we buy into this high self-esteem ideology. When I am empty of myself that means that God can fill me and that is where I want to be.
I have a problem with surrendering.
God does not require us to give up anything that is for our best interest to retain. In all that He does, He has the well-being of His children in view. Would that all who have not chosen Christ might realize that He has something vastly better to offer them than they are seeking for themselves. Man is doing the greatest injury and injustice to his own soul when he thinks and acts contrary to the will of God. No real joy can be found in the path forbidden by Him who knows what is best and who plans for the good of His creatures. The path of transgression is the path of misery and destruction.
Steps to Christ, page 46
I make the error in thinking that God doesn’t care about my happiness. The idea that the path of righteousness is only found by those dull, lifeless, and cheerless individuals, is a lie. God created happiness and he wants us to live vibrant and joyful lives.
Honestly, I don’t know what is best for me. Many times I believe something will bring me satisfaction and it has only leaves me with sorrow and regret. This is why I don’t like myself because apart from Christ, I am senseless and foolish. I hoax myself, when I think that I know what is best for me. This is where the struggle is, weather or not I know what is best or God knows what is best. If I choose to remember to surrender, Christ will never lead me down a path that I might regret.